Truth be told, the announcement of words have become futile. Painful stakes of unspoken rhythmic nothings. I caress what was so vibrant and dream of how to utilize the frustrate. Nothing changes. What to do when you wait. How do I wait for a potential? Where does my hope come from? We don’t sing about that. My frustration with the church today is how musically inclined we are to sing about the joy of the Lord without addressing the pain. If my hope comes from the Lord, I am going to hurt a whole lot more. Because the alternative is hopelessness. How do I live off of being “hopeful” when I begin to frustrate myself. When things never change, and when I still maintain the mundane of this fabricated all encompassing business of a life that I continue to endorse.Writing helps me breathe. I need to write more. Frustrate your own damn tones and give me the perspective of the almighty. Let me life be real and my pain be tangible. Let my tears be pain stricken and I hope you can see that in my eyes. My love for my God cannot be forgotten or misunderstood. It’s bigger than I even know. I life of occasional salvation doesn’t allow the freedom of identity. For the hope in a salvation should keep your blood pumping. hit hit, hit hit, use the anger that you forgot you had and weapon-place it like a sword in your hands for the final drive of a search for light. Pierce through the veil and take the words that I am learning to rebirth. Dream again my love. I am imperfectly in love with the perfect. I beg for the roses and the thorns keep me at bay. I’ve just been grabbing for the wrong flowers, I need a tree.
Tie-Dye Cardigan Sky
If I told you that this world was nothing like what you thought it would be I’d be telling the truth.
I haven’t written in too long for lack of inspiration, but the lightning has inspired me.
If I could show you colors To present how I have felt
I would completely pour out pink and purple
A touch of grey,
a dash of yellow,
and just a hint of black.
It would inevitably look like a mess of somewhat good.
I have been so curious as to what feeling great has been
I don’t know how to feel great,
I don’t know if utter joy would just slap me in the face
or if it would sneak up on me in the dead of night.
But, I know that I haven’t felt this array of feelings before.
You told me that I was something different
I feel the same.
But almost, not.
I don’t know all the answers and I don’t plan on sharing them even if I did.
I just like the way the sun sets on the horizon.
Pink and purple
Pink and purple
Colors of a past hurt
If I unsettle myself
Will the true emotions birth from my mouth
Like they were always out?
Can I lie long enough to you and to me
That there isn’t something bigger
Than the turns
Of the road that we seem to be driving.
I don’t know how to justify
The fact that I’m feeling more than I have
Or rather, less than I should.
But there’s a peace that
Runs through my veins.
I character the integrity
And I contemplate the future.
I don’t know the answers
And I don’t plan on sharing them.
Look at my hands,
And my eyes,
It’s odd to have lived so much life by 21,
It’s odd to have lived so little by now.
Something’s not letting me pour
The top is in the bottle
For I only write when depressed
And I’m not.
But also sometimes not.
To my hope
The world won’t see
But to my hope
If I turn into something big
Will you see me then
If I am the smallest man
Will you forget about me?
I love being about to feel
I woke up late this morning for my sunrise series, by late I mean 5:20 a.m. I had this world of assumptions and pictures in my head as to what my Mount Rose drive would look like with a parade of yellow light over the darkly lit, patiently waiting houses and trees of Reno, NV. I had my post all planned out, my day was pretty much decided only for my thought filled 40 minute drive helped me discover the beauty of how life utterly destroys our expectations. It doesn’t follow my rules, it doesn’t follow what I want, or when I think I need something. There is a greater plan, and who am I to decide what that plan will be? I almost broke and went somewhere else, or stopped at another mountain that was closer, etc. etc. Though I felt it necessary to follow through with my purposeful goal. It hurt knowing that I might miss the sunrise because I woke up late. I don’t like getting up that early for no reason and it would just be frustrating to miss, but I threw out these expectations that filled my head and trusted that God had something bigger for me. Upon finally reaching the top of the mountain at 6:20, I looked through my window into one of the most stunning views I have had so far. I took a picture and the line of orange overlaying the smoky mountains like a garnish introduced me to a brand new side of landscape. I took one picture, and then just stood there: overwhelmed with the beauty of my ruined expectations.
This season of life isn’t what I expected it to be, but I’m okay with it all.
Thanks for reading.
Capturing the the heart of something. This is consistently the self-battle I face. Capturing something takes time, it takes frustration, patience and smiles. But working for something in the quiet encouragement to share the beauty of a picture is always a worthwhile investment. It’s moments like these that I’ve seen myself in exposed growth and time shared with someone else. This shoot for Marisa was like a flowing river, despite what was happening, there was a sweet, serene peace to it all. Like flowers and shade present contrast, we share these.
Many thanks; Enjoy.
*mood guidance – Matt Corby – Big Eyes.
I’m fighting something, I couldn’t tell you what but my fists are out. I want to hurt through this stagnation and bare my teeth through the grimace of dissatisfaction. I can take these pictures and I can work through these graphics but I feel the lack has taken ahold of my hands. Where am I beginning to find my end, where am I starting to discover my lost. Will I ever push through this pain? I couldn’t tell you though I know that sometimes it just takes so much of me in times when I didn’t expect it to. It just runs itself through my bones like wine to a skeleton. Red and white, I’m bleeding something. It might just be a vacant creative.
I’ve taken trips lately up mountains and through roads far and wide and I’ve been searching for something. I’ve been looking for some answer. It has almost become too much for me at times, grabbing me and making me go places. There is a chance that it is the post-study-abroad that’s running it’s course. Nonetheless, these Reno mountains are going to have my footprints all over them. If I could consider it healthy, I might be lying. Or, I might just be different than those around me. I’m writing more, and plan on placing that up eventually to help bring out some of the questions that others may have.
I’ve learned a few things about the world in my trips so far. First, if you love music it’s difficult to get tired of it, especially if you’re frustrated with your current circumstances. Secondly, I love sunsets more than I like iced tea. I’d rather stand on a mountain while the sun sets into darkness than free tea for a month. Lastly, there is nothing unexciting about where you’re at. Whether that’s an empty coffee shop, or a workplace, a friendship, a relationship, a family. If you’re facing the world of “bored and lonely” begin taking the small steps to altering your perspective. Enjoy the little things, like good tasting vitamin C, and people that smile at you. Smile back every once in a while, why don’t ya?
So to revamp the blog world, I have recently been doing some unique shoots. The most recent was a Maternity shoot for one of my friends and coworkers, Alyssa. With shoots today I’ve started to choose music that plays throughout the entirety of the shoot as based off of what the individual wants their pictures to feel like. She chose Hozier, and I focused that a bit towards my favorite song: Cherry Wine. So as you see these pictures, please enjoy this song and the beautiful moments captured.
This was such a comfortable and wonderful experience for my first maternity shoot, and I was so thankful to be able to work with Alyssa. Enjoy, and let me know your thoughts.
There has been nothing more uncomfortable than being home. I say that with all the love in the world to those that I came back to visit, I have quietly had a very difficult time coming back to what was considered “routine” before. It hurts more than I’d like to say. I’ve looked through my pictures, shared my stories, and continued to try walking on my own two feet and by God it’s been rough. Every time I see any of my pictures from before, I’m not only caught off guard in remembering where I was, but I almost feel a twinge of shame that I didn’t savor every single moment being there. I know it’s unrealistic but this battle has been so hard for me. I scroll through my Instagram sometimes, reminiscing on the pictures that I felt so strongly to share with the world and it puts a burning rumble in the top of my chest. I am able to sit here knowing that I’m not even vaguely done with first, my world adventures, but second: feeling. I’m not done with the struggle of the world, and trying to capture it in words or in pictures. I love that I’m not done, but this strive I have to get out of my house and go, has been stronger than before I left for my study abroad trip. This trip didn’t distill the boiling water in my heart, if anything it turned up the heat, knowing that the pursuit of travel is something so much bigger than I’ve glazed over in the last three months.
“Travel is made of risk and the desire to go, not the trophy of saying “I did it”.”
The hardest part of reading this is knowing how hard I’ve tried to simply say to myself “you did it!” and not being able to be okay with just that. I’ve said it many ways, I’ve put conclusive statements all over my trip, but I’ve lied on the conclusion. I can’t just sit in being okay with having done that, I have so much more to see. I have so many more things to go live and share. I have so many people to meet and love and watch grow. If I just sit in the contentment of existence, am I truly fulfilling what God has in this life, or am I working through the world that I feel is comfortable and appropriate?
I am here as a storyteller, and I am here to tell stories. It is through my life, and the lives of others that I hope to make a significant difference in this world.